How to Realistically Change Your Outlook and Habits For Good
How to Realistically Change Your Outlook and Habits For Good
WARNING:
WARNING:
Reading this post will not make you postive, healthy, and productive all the time. You’re the one who is responsible for following the action items herein.
You’re responsible for the consistent, daily effort — even if it’s just a little bit.
You’re the one who has to put in the work to follow through.
This is just an article, not a miracle pill. If you’re looking for the miracle, stop reading right this second and think about that for a second.
Come on, can an article really start changing people’s minds about what’s possible?
Well, you start by changing your own mind. It takes a different kind of thinking to make change.
It takes a completely new mindset to face challenges and stay optimistic, focused, and productive. And it’s not like a light switch that you can flip on, and leave on while you’re at work.
“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” — Mahatma Ghandi
You’re going to fail a lot, which is great! A little confused by this? Great. This is how it starts.
You’ve been trained to feel like failure is bad.
You should be ashamed. You should be embarrassed for imperfection. You should feel guilty for not being better.
But ask any truly successful person how many times they’ve failed. The answer they give shouldn’t be news to you.
The difference is that the successful person had the courage to get up again, shake off the criticism, look objectively at how to improve, check their pride at the door, and focus on what was actually important for development.
The difference is that successful people look at those embarrassing failures and shameful criticisms as opportunities to learn about their environment, their audience, their opponents, and themselves.
“Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.” — Winston Churchill
It takes time to practice this, and it’s going to be a little uncomfortable. You’re going to need to leave your comfort zone to make things happen.
So let’s dive into the scary stuff . . .
Ever notice how fear can incapacitate us?
Ever notice how it can actually make our minds freeze and stop us from even thinking?
This is the exact same fear that many of us have every time we come up with a new idea or solution. We fear what people might say or think. We fear embarrassment. We fear shame.
We’ve been told our whole lives, to perform according to task. In school, we study for the test, so we can check off every little box, fill in every little bubble, and immediately forget what we’ve learned.
We’ve been told that our grades reflect our intelligence and work ethic. We’ve been told that we should be ashamed of a poor test grade. We should be ashamed of getting things wrong.
But how does that kind of thinking help?
This only bruises our internal voices that once, confidently said “Hey, I think there’s a better way to do this.”
This shaming trains our minds to fall in line, follow suit, and stick to the routine. It forces us, many times unknowingly, into following ineffective protocols without questioning whether they could be improved.
What kind of world is that?
What kind of world would it be if nothing changed, because our species was too afraid of failure to make progress? Or if we were all too numb to tell the difference?
Okay, stop. Take a minute. We actually just covered a lot.
Think of 3 places where this kind of thinking happens for you.
___________________
___________________
___________________
How else does this happen? What thoughts occur when you feel this way?
Write them down right now and remember them. Labeling these up front will help you confront those thoughts and feelings when they next happen.
In the meantime, let’s talk about that feeling.
“Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.”
- Vernon Law
What is non-gen?
Isn’t it strange that we don’t have a word to describe that mental block that happens when we’re afraid or anxious? Well, some of us call it “non-gen,” an abbreviation for “non-generative.”
It’s not helping you generate anything.
Believe it or not, there is actually a really good reason that your mind does this, but it goes way back into our biological evolution.
As humans evolved, those who paid more attention to negative or threatening stimuli around them were more likely to defend themselves, avoid risky situations, and survive to pass on their genes.
If you’re afraid of snakes or spiders, this evolutionary adaptation is likely to blame.
In psychology, it’s called “attentional vigilance,” and it’s part of a critical feedback loop with your emotional brain that helps you make decisions.
So if this thing is so helpful, why is it flaring up when I’m trying to do something positive!?
Well, the problem happens when we’re “hyper-vigilant” to these stimuli and can’t un-focus from them easily.
We fixate on ‘bad’ features, ruminate on past experiences, or criticize our imperfections without stepping back and looking at all of the amazing parts of ourselves.
No one can achieve their full potential when they feel and think like this.
Why bother explaining all of this?
Well, you were probably born with a brain. But you probably weren’t born with a manual for it.
Don’t you think it’s strange, that we rely on this little wad of cells all day, every day, but we’ve never talked about how it actually works?
Isn’t it strange that we’ve never learned how we actually make decisions, or how our emotions can dramatically shape the way we decide?
“Most people go through college and learn to read Virgil and master the mysteries of calculus without ever discovering how their own minds function.”
- Dale Carnegie, (How to Win Friends and Influence People)
It turns out that our minds are made up before we think rationally about anything.
Information enters our brain through our senses (sight, smell, touch, etc.) and we perceive it.
The weird thing is that this information hits the “emotion center” in our brains before it hits the “reasoning” center.
Looking for proof that the brain handles these separately? Just think of the last time you had a conversation with a purple cow or a famous celebrity during one of your dreams.
Seemed totally reasonable at the time, right?
That’s because this part of your brain isn’t as active during sleep. You’re mind is active, but your brain isn’t fully online.
See the difference?
Your perception of what’s real changes as your brain chemistry changes.
And your body has a lot to do with how your brain reacts to things.
If your body is sensing a threat, your mind is going to block out information so it can focus on the nuances of the “threat.” It’s senses are heightened because it feels as if it’s about to fight or flee for it’s life!
If your body is too relaxed, it won’t be looking for any new information or nuances in the environment. It will be busy metabolizing, resting and healing the body for future action.
“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, ‘I’m not going to make it,’ but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.”
- Charles Bukowski
Here’s how this little biological consequence actually impacts us day-to-day:
The Comfort Zone
Where things are predictable, safe, and boring. It’s unlikely you’ll grow here, because there isn’t enough stimulation.
The Learning Zone
Where your senses are heightened enough to absorb new information, and things are exciting, challenging, and new.
The Panic Zone
Where things are tense, frustrating, and exhausting. Symptoms of living a life in the panic zone might be chronic stress or anxiety, and the effective “non-gen.”
“Adventure and risk may harm you, but boredom will kill you.” — Unknown
Novelty and challenge can spark excitement and can get our body physiologically ready to take in new information about our environment, but when we panic, the exact opposite response happens.
This biological response is referred to as “fight or flight” mode, which means our bodies are biologically preparing to literally run from a threat or fight for our lives.
Blood flow diverts to the legs or arms.
Metabolism stops.
Our focus narrows as if we were wearing horse-blinders.
We freeze.
We tense our muscles.
Adrenaline shoots into our bloodstream, making our heart rate and skin temperature skyrocket.
What were you saying?
Suddenly, the only thing we can hear is our own heart beat.
Our mind is laser focused on the threat.
Our creativity is crushed in the moment, and we’re left standing with a dry mouth and clammy hands.
Socially, this means that we’re focusing on our own image instead of on our message.
But don’t worry; it gets worse.
The only way to overcome this biological effect is by habituation. The first 10 times we try something new, speak up in front of a room, or have an idea fail, it sucks. You’re not going to like it. It’s not fun.
But guess what? The next 25 times? It won’t be as bad.
And by the 50th time, you’ll finally stop caring and will be able to focus on what’s important, instead of what some ancient biological response our body thinks is important.
The key lesson here is:
You can’t get to this place of comfort or fluency without doing the hard, embarrasing work of getting on stage and failing in public.
Meet some other phenomena you’ll be contending with for total control of your outlook and positivity:
1. Imposter Syndrome
Everyone who is put into a new environment — especially one full of hard working and creative people — experiences the feeling when there is a lot of work to be done but doesn’t always know how to do it or even what to do exactly.
This type of self-doubt is a very real, documented phenomenon called “Imposter Syndrome.”
Here’s what you need to know to get past it:
It’s totally normal
This is part of growing as a person, learning, and stretching your abilities.
The feeling usually comes from not accepting your successes.
Friends and family don’t always help
Research is finding that many of those who experience Imposter Syndrome come from families where achievement is highly valued and pressurized.
Brace yourself for new endeavors
Imposter Syndrome also pops up in people who are at the start of a new venture. So if you know you’re about to accept a new job or move to a new place, it’s going to be easier to handle this feeling when you can expect it, label it, and realize that it’s not going to last forever.
All alone?
This is no good for anyone, since social relationships make such a broad impact on so many parts of our psychology. It’s no different here.
Get a mentor. Connect with a teammate. Spill the beans to someone who will validate your experience (not someone who you think will try to fix everything — that’s different).
2. The Dip
In fact, this initial time period of ineffectiveness and difficulty is called “the dip.” Coined by entrepreneur and author Seth Godin, the dip is that stressful place at the beginning of any project where you aren’t seeing any progress, you’re putting a lot of thought and effort in, but you’re not really seeing any results.
It’s right here, in the dip, that most people panic and quit.
It’s not mile 2, when everyone is still cheering, that a runner quits a marathon. They quit at mile 22, which is when everyone quits. But if they’d just keep going for just a few more miles, they’d get all the accolades and rewards of finishing.
It’s that moment, when we just can’t go on, that we quit.
Most salespeople stop following up with leads after the 5th attempt because they figure they’re wasting their time. But, as it’s well known in sales, that 80% of leads will convert on the 7th attempt!
But how do you know the difference between a dip and a wall? How do we tell the difference between what’s a challenging obstacle and an impossibility?
We don’t wait for something to happen. We test new ideas. We reinvigorate our strategy. We analyze failures and build something reactionary and new. But mostly, we decide before we even start.
If it’s worth doing, it’s going to be hard. Don’t bother trying if you’re not willing to face the dip. Be prepared, because it’s going to look and feel impossible, but remember that few things actually are. This is where you’ll need to look inside yourself and ask “why am I doing this?”
Your answer had better be personal, and firey. Otherwise you’re going to be quitting in the dip, which is the most inefficient and wasteful time to quit. If you don’t have a white-hot, passionate answer to “why?” you should quit before you start, which is the most efficient time to quit.
This is the moment where quitting can actually be an immensely useful strategic play.
Pushing yourself to achieve the seemingly impossible is a normal part of the process, and when you get through it, you’re going to see the benefits.
“To the arrow, about to be sent into quick and purposeful flight; it must feel like nothing is happening.”
- Zen and the Art of Archery
3. The Breakeven Point
Author and entrepreneur Michael D. Watkins calls this moment the “breakeven point,” in his book “The First 90 Days.”
You’re reading this because you’re curious, ambitious, and motivated.
But if you expect to start performing at peak capacity immediately, you’re going to hit a depressive wall and face massive disappointment.
You’re going to take up time and resources when you first put new habits and thoughts into practice.
You’re going to be learning fast and making more mistakes than ever. The above graph shows that even after 6 months of stating a new job — when you’ve started producing real results and contributing — you’re going to be ‘value-neutral.’
You will only be making up for the value you consumed at the start.
There’s no way around it. You’ve got to go through it.
Sorry, for this really unsatisfying implementation reality, but it’s just the truth.
“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.”
- Chinese Proverb
4. You’ve been trained to NOT take action
Procrastinating on school projects. Cramming for exams. Sound familiar?
Well, these habits are also related to the way your mind and body work. By not practicing a habit of action, we are practicing a habit of inaction.
Your brain adapts to new environments, situations, and stimuli. It’s called neuro-plasticity. It’s how you can stink at playing piano on day 1, but become proficient after a few years.
You’ve literally rewired your brain to perform a new task that you couldn’t do before.
THIS, is learning.
Which means that no matter what, everyday, every second, you’re learning. When you’re out there practicing, and when you’re inside watching TV. Your brain’s only job is to adapt to what’s in front of it.
The less you do with it, the better your brain gets at doing less. The more you do with it, well, you get the picture.
Obviously, this means that building a habit of taking action takes time, intentional effort, and consistency. It also means you’ve got to unlearn a bunch of nasty habits (behavior habits and thought habits) that you picked up in school, the office, your ex, ad infinitum.
Tools and strategies for battling non-gen and other psychological barriers
The hardest part of changing your mindset is habit.
The mind is good at doing what it’s always done, so you’ve got a lifetime of habits to relearn! Don’t expect this to happen quickly. Unrealistic expectations can lead to unnecessary anxiety, guilt, and depression.
We’ve spent a lot of time and intentional effort building tools and strategies that will empower you to create a habit of action with small, consistent actions (and accountability partners).
So let’s break down what a habit actually is so we can figure out how to change it.
Habits require 3 things to work:
A stimulus, a behavior, and a reward.
Smell smoke, light a cigarette, get a nicotine hit.
Clean your house, spray Febreeze, get a pleasant smell.
The sound of your alarm clock, getting out of bed, grogginess.
Starting to make sense?
Here’s a great image of the Habit Cycle from James Clear:
Here’s one of the most undervalued keys to changing a habit:
Kicking habits is easier when you replace one or more pieces of the puzzle.
You’ve been trained by school, work, and social norms NOT to take action on this. It’s this reason that most people never do.
But not you.
So quick recap: how do we change our brains to be positive, motivated, healthy and productive?
You’re going to need to leave your comfort zone, and that means you’re going to feel things.
Those feelings are going to impact the decisions you make because that’s how biology works.
Mistakes of actions are always better than mistakes of inaction, so take action despite the pain of fear and of failure.
Forgive yourself in advance for the amount of time it’s going to take to build a habit of action. Beating yourself up has a 0% ROI.
Don’t stop. Reach out to peers or mentors when you need a reality check or hit a wall. Being part of a community or partnership where others can help keep us accountable and positive on the days we feel weak.
Remember that habits are just cycles of behavior. You have the power to replace their components and change them with patience over time. Slowly push the flywheel, one revolution at a time, until the momentum begins to push the flywheel for you.
“You have everything you need to build something far bigger than yourself.”
Seth Godin
Thanks for reading.
Ever get that feeling like you wish you could hold onto a post/article and remind yourself to read it once in a while? Me too. I literally ask Siri to remind me to read things (or even just to think things) all the time.
Bookmark this article and revisit it if you need a reality check or a little encouragement. You can always ask Siri, Alexa, or whomever to remind you about this later.
If you got something from this post, applaud it so others may also benefit.
If you feel like something is missing, comment and let me know so we can make this article more comprehensive together.
If you feel like someone else in your life needs to see this, please share it and tell them how much you care about them.
The world is yours to take action!