Should We Address Emotions or Facts?
[Guest Post] The limbic system, difficult experiences, and shifting attention to action.
This guest post was written by Dr. Odessa Hamidi, M.D.
Imagine you are in the hospital with a loved one, let’s say your grandma in this example, who was critically ill, and the doctor came to the bedside and asks about their and your wishes for staying alive at all costs versus giving them a comfortable death (the so-called “pulling the plug” versus living attached to machines)
Would you want that doctor to come in and be rational, list all the lab tests, give you the percentage chances of survival and discuss all the complicated diagnoses your loved one would need to continue to battle? Or do you want one that can have a conversation about your family’s personal values, and help guide you into what feels like the right decision for you and your family?
I would argue, it’s the latter that most people need, and this need to focus on feelings is how we make both small and big important decisions in our lives.
Acknowledging and working with the feelings is how we can go on with our lives feeling at peace with our decisions. Whether it’s saying yes or no to another project at work to deciding whether to break up with your partner to something as serious as saying goodbye to a loved one when it’s their time.
Have you ever been faced with a problem and thought: if I were my friend I would tell them to do “X, Y, and Z” but I can’t bring myself to do it because it just doesn’t feel like the right decision? We often need things to “feel right” or align with our “gut feeling” in order to comfortably make a decision.
Maybe in that above example, it doesn’t feel right, but it feels right after 1 more day of waiting to see if your grandma turns around or maybe it feels right to try one more experimental drug the doctor suggests before it feels right to say goodbye because you now feel you helped do everything you could do even if it meant 1 more day of physical pain for your grandma. Or maybe not, the point is, you have to decide where the line is for you based on what feels right.
What’s happening in the brain.
This need to do what “feels right” is driven largely by an older part of our brains called the limbic system which controls many of our “lower-order emotions.” Think motivation and reward, or “I am hungry. When I eat this food I don’t feel hungry anymore and I feel good” or fight or flight which says “this lion has sharp claws. Sharp claws hurt. I better run from this lion”
Contrast this with our prefrontal cortex that deals with higher-order processing and more complicated decision making, emotion regulation, and abstract thinking (to name a few).
This is the part that makes us feel superior to those gorillas and apes - we are able to have more complicated thoughts like “I am hungry. When I eat this food, I don’t feel hungry anymore, and I feel better long term when I choose healthy foods that give me long term happiness about making good decisions for my self and gives me health benefits”
Turns out, like all things brain-related, it’s not that simply divided and the limbic system (primitive structures) and prefrontal cortex (more evolutionary brain structure) talk to each other constantly. All this to say: our basic emotional responses drive our more complex decision-making all the time.
So, what is the point of saying all of this in the context of the dying loved one example?
The point is this: When that doctor comes to you to have the hard conversation about whether it’s time to say goodbye to grandma versus try to keep her alive at all costs, they need to meet you at your feelings first.
Have you even thought about the possibility that grandma might not come home this time? Then it might be better to start talking about what your grandma loves and values about life and what you love about her before talking about how we may not be able to help her have that anymore.
Our brains can’t hear certain “logical” things when our feelings are on overdrive. That darn limbic system has kept us alive for ages. Do I run from this cheetah or stay and fight? We don’t often encounter cheetahs but the same part of your brain is saying “Is grandma going to make it or will I ever get to talk to her again?” and you may simply not be capable of hearing “it’s better for your grandma to let her go now.”
Applying this to our life and work.
In a less dramatic example, maybe you have a boss who can’t let go of a project that from your perspective is wasting the team’s energy. Your boss thinks “If this project succeeds, it will help the business and team, and I will feel good and be doing something good for them.” Or “if I fail at this project, I will be a failure so it must succeed.”
You may not be able to walk up to them and say “this is a bad idea.” But if you walk up to them and say “I think you came up with this project because you really want to help the business or team with ‘X, Y, or Z’ and you want to help them succeed” and they say “Yes, I do!” You might be able to talk to them about the reasons why an alternative route would work better after acknowledging and taming the part of their brain that needs a validated emotion about their motivations and desire to do something good. (even if from your perspective, it’s not actually good . . . )
Often we get farther in conversations at work, with loved ones, or in having difficult conversations if we first acknowledge feelings and what is motivating a decision before we can address what seems like an obviously “logical” alternative. We have to help make it “feel” right.
Some small actions to take.
I challenge you to do this for your own personal decisions too. Should I take job A or B?
Job A gives me: a higher salary, more time off, is in a location I love.
Job B gives me: the job I’ve always wanted, the ability to take on leadership positions, to make more impact. How do I decide? Which one feels right?
First, write down the 5 things that matter to you and how they make you feel. I bet the decision will make itself when you know which things make you feel good. Is it time with your family? Is it time helping others through your job?
Take any example in your life and start with feelings. If writing it down doesn’t help or you feel stuck: talk out loud. Talk to someone who knows you well, a friend, a therapist, a boss, or mentor. They can help you find what it is you are feeling and make the right decision for you.
It turns out that we must address both emotions and facts. The trick is to do it in that order.